An Apology to the Sun

I need to write, I can feel it in my bones, bouncing around my head trying to get out. Life has been busy and I feel I always use that as an excuse. I'm currently preparing for a move overseas. Having just come back home from a deployment, I'm jumping back into life midstream. Then already swimming to the next. Today my intent is to simply write, put things on a page, and finish a post.

I apologize in advance for my musings not all being great, or even good. There, I said it - not everything I share will resonate with everyone and you may not learn anything (especially in this post). Some posts may earn a 'meh' or even an 'SMH.' I must be okay with that, I am doing my best - and anything is so much more than nothing; which I know is what I have delivered. In this past month I've started a dozen posts in my head. Even before sitting and writing, I discount them or distract myself with something else less threatening. I am saying this more for myself, to forgive for the learning curve I've jumped into. I never thought I was a writer, but I do want to write. I'm seeking counsel from writers I admire. Then hesitating when I imagine what their critiques of me will be. Yet I am the one stifling myself; I can't write like that...I can't live like that. In the past I've held myself back in other arenas because I was so hard on myself. If anything this blog is an exercise for me in humility and vulnerability. I need this blog more than the reader. Does that make sense? Early on in the creation (not that long ago!) of this endeavor I saw an amazing video by Ira Glass on THE GAP. I have been a LONG time fan of "This American Life" making it more meaningful. His video really touched me and I am so grateful for watching because without it I may have not even begun. I don't think I'm striving for perfection. But I've noticed that I kill pages in my mind thinking it won't interest anyone else. The pressure I put on myself causes this vacuum and no glimpse into my view. These are my humble, even painful beginnings but we all need to start somewhere. Even after this paragraph I already feel better. I am determined to let myself try to do this, to keep showing up - put myself in the arena. In my daily, or at least weekly routine I will watch Ira's video to remind me sometimes it is okay to suck (for now). In this high demand world (often in my head) I want to embrace that concept, live it, and make those mistakes or lackluster moments.

Ah that fated routine, as busy as I was deployed, I was able to create one. Upon my return with other significant changes in my life, it has been a challenge for me to develop a routine. I'm not writing for me as often. As my birthday was this month I am finally embracing all aspects of 'being' a Taurus. I identified with many of the traits. But I always resisted the portion that said I thrived on routine. I liked the thought of being spontaneous. Yet here I am officially acknowledging to myself that routine is beautiful and needed in my life. It allows me to build healthy habits. Also assists in making those positive moment to moment choices to help me live a contented life. Reflecting, I realize a cornerstone habit for me is writing. Not even writing for this blog, simply emptying into an online journal (there's many like 750words.com) all the the thoughts racing 'round my head. I'm happiest when I am able to pull them out and dump them down, it helps clear my head and opens the door to creativity. This past month I have not done the writing I thrive on doing. I need to write; even with change all around me. I can hang on to these small habits and ensure they happen in my life no matter where I'm located.

Lastly, I need to recognize and put in place the things I need to do for my own personal growth. I noticed in my fear of writing, it is easier for me to dive deep into posting in forums. Sharing my thoughts in those capacities. In my head I justified it because I am still helping others. Or at least trying to, and those posts felt safer than these posts here to the internet world. A couple of weeks ago, I had a dream: I had a baby and it was starving. I wasn't feeding it enough and it's mouth gaped and I felt helpless in recognizing my neglect. Dreams mean many things to people. For me, it showed me I was neglecting my creation. My subconscious not so gently reminding me I need to focus on this effort. I also found myself neglecting personal relationships. I was so focused on my internet forum connections. I decided to pull back and pause and think about my priorities. Yes that enabled more time to pass before posting here, but now I've decided with routine I can do both. I will carve out parts of my day and week to focus on specific efforts. Post here & in the forums, just not try to be everything at once.

Life is full of choices, I'm currently in Florida for a TDY (temporary duty/work trip). The picture posted is of the view from my room. I decided I needed to sit in my hotel room today and create this post before I allowed myself to go enjoy the day. Though for the record, I did spend Sunday in the sun and am en route to the Clearwater Marine Aquarium. I met Winter from Dolphin's Tale! I'm so excited at the thought and this helps me not labor over the edits today. I have time to stop there before I hit the airport. Maybe I should check back in to show I made the flight and didn't stay on with Winter and the otters. I'm not getting any sun this moment. I let the sun into my silence and am allowing myself to crack the seal and write.